c o n v i c t i o n // SOULgut (post grad plans)

c o n v i c t i o n // SOULgut (post grad plans)

“Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.” 

— ella fitzgerald

For 26 years, I guess you can say that I’ve been good at following my convictions which now I realize is my #soulGUT (aka following your soul + gut). Whatever it may have been or whatever others have said, I gave little F's about what others said and did what I wanted. Back then, I didn't even really think of as anything, you can call it stubborn if you shall but little did I know that I have already had a hunch of what its like to follow the SOULgut. I have just always wanted to do what I loved to do, for some people I was deemed as a “black sheep” while others have found it very inspiring.

Having recently graduated with my BFA in Dance & minor in Television, Film and New Media last week, I have been asked a lot of questions - typically the same set/kind of questions about what I want to do with this degree OR what job am I going to get with this. "THE ANSWER IS, I DO NOT KNOW, I DO NOT FUCKING KNOW!" I do NOT know what I want to do with this degree at this exact moment of my life. A part of me wished that I was like the rest of my classmates/friends who knew what exactly want to do after graduation, while I am here left wondering if I made a mistake pursuing this route. All I know is that at some point, I really wanted to do this and this art form has saved my life. Now, at 26 years old and with this "beautiful" degree, I am left burnt out and currently uninspired - and this scares the living life out of me. While having dinner + branding meeting with my friend/muse Laray, I told her that "dance seems to really love me (as it chose me 12 years ago), but I can't seem to love it (yet) as much it loves me." In this context, when I started dancing years ago after discovering my love for movement through watching High School Musical, I absolutely had no idea that 12 years later, I would've stayed in this route ultimately earning my Bachelors of Fine Arts in Dance. I am absolutely thankful for the journey that I have been because of pursuing this route and I definitely have no regrets. So what if I do NOT know what I want to do with this degree - as far as I know, I do not know anyone any explanation. I recognize that it is my responsibility as an artist to share and express. And this is just one of them. I admit, half the time I am crossing my fingers and biting my tongue that I do not blow off and come off as pissed. At the end of the day, I simply followed my #SOULgut and this was the route that has simply presented itself - and all I did was take it.

**k, enough of this rant, I'm not entirely sure where I wanted to go with this but it sure did feel very nice to let it out as I feel that I don't have any one to really confide to about what I am feeling.***

On the other hand, I have finally learned to come to peace with this reality but however despite of that, there is so much LOVE in this current pursuit of my new chapter that in return things are slowly falling into place. I may not know what is it really I want to do yet, but I know for sure that I will continue listening wholeheartedly to my #soulGUT making sure I never betray it as it will always lead me to the next best thing every time. 

So my question for you is, when was the last time you’ve wholeheartedly made a decision listening to your #soulGUT? If so, what was the outcome. If not, what is stopping you.

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Photography by Laray Egea-Saez (edited by myself)