***THIS WAS WRITTEN BACK ON MY LAST DAY OF MY SEA-TAC TRIP ON MAY 29, 2018 DURING MY TRAIN RIDE TO PORTLAND, OR.***
***FYI, I FREAKING DROPPED MY WALLET INSIDE THE BATHROOM OF THE TACOMA AMTRAK STATION AS I RAN IN TO TAKE A DUMP****
This is definitely one of my biggest learnings from this year’s trip to SEA-TAC, WA - is “truly accept and embrace the love you (really) deserve for its face value. I feel that I have allowed for many instances to allow the stories that I have created in myself to feel otherwise. Hence dampening some of my experiences and time with my friends here.
After everyone had left from celebrating Jeff’s birthday bonfire, it was just him and I that was left. My big bro knows me so well,sensed the trouble out of me and forced me to be upfront with my current feelings. I figured that I owe’d it my friends that much to tell them how I’ve really felt (i’m not going to disclose it because it deserves to stay between us). He basically called me out for making things too complicated than what it is - overrating of stories & scenarios in my head. He also told me how much MG & I love having me as a part of their family - that truly broke the ice for me. I may have teared up and cried a bit (mainly because due to the smoke getting into my face). This was when it hit me hard that I need to start accepting the love that I deserve instead of rejecting it by subconsciously screwing it up for myself and others. I admit, I grew up “uhaw sa pag-mamahal” (which means thirsty for love and affection). All I knew was that I just wanted to be loved and accepted for a very long time that I feel like I got used to rejecting any love that came way as a form of defense mechanism to protect myself from feeling vulnerable and ultimately getting hurt.
I guess that’s all I’ve been doing - pushing all of the love I’ve wanted, deserve and came my way. One of the things Jeff also suggest and highly wishes for me is to be in a functional relationship. I didn’t realize that he knew about my private shenanigans that I’ve been doing. And also hearing that from him meant the world to me being a Mormon because he wished for me to find someone to make me happy and experience love like he’s experienced with MG despite of his own religion’s perspective on LGBT. I guess that is where a lot of my wall has been built up on - protecting myself from being hurt for being deemed unworthy.
According to Lea’ Salonga’s recent tweet “ you are not going be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s perfectly alright.”
As I am riding the train right now to travel from Tacoma to Portland to visit a few of my dear friends, this resonates with me so strongly. I feel that for so long, all I have done is try to please other people’s expectations of me that when I didn’t receive the praise or love from them that it has left me completely empty. I know that I have been on this recent amazing journey about self love and self care but it comes in waves according to ebb and flow. Some days you will feel like you are on top of the world, then the next you can feel like you’ve sunken back into square one - and that is OKAY and I want to BE. As reminded by Jeff, that in the pursuit of happiness and during it’s time of seemingly darkness that you always have to make the CLEAR and FIRM choice to be HAPPY even when it feels so hard. And also in terms of following your passion or whatever it may be, to fully delve your whole into it with so much love and be willing to fail, fall down and get back right up again.
In conclusion, our daily lives only really consists of making choices whether it’d be about the food you eat, career you choose or making a decision to live and be alive. At the end of the day, my only sincere and deepest wish for you is to always choose YOUR right decision (not anyone else) and RUN with it fearlessly your HAPPINESS. Your happiness is ALWAYS a decision ONLY made by YOU and no one else.
Photography by the amazing Bronwyn Huddleson of Bronwyn Huddleson Photography.